When the “No” Feels Personal

At the first Association of Fundraising Professionals conference I attended, about a month or two into my first formal fundraising job, I asked a question in a lecture that I still have a hard time answering.

“How do you not take it personally when a funder rejects your proposal?”

The room, full of seasoned fundraisers, laughed. Not in a mean-spirited kind of way, in a “we’ve all been there and feel your pain” kind of way.

It’s a question I still wrestle with today.

You spend months conducting prospect research, building relationships and crafting the perfect grant proposal. 

You hit “submit” and send it off into the ether, maybe with a prayer. Weeks go by, no response. You reach out, politely asking for an update on the timeline for decisions. 

Then you see it.

An email that reads, “We appreciate you taking the time to apply. We received many proposals from worthy causes, and unfortunately due to limited funds are unable to fund every request. Thank you for the work you do serving the community.” 

Or something similarly polite, but equally disappointing. 

For fundraisers with ADHD, this may hit particularly hard. 

Emotional dysregulation is common among people with ADHD, and for some, perceived criticism or rejection can feel particularly intense. That can make professional setbacks, including a declined grant proposal, harder to shake off.

None of this means people with ADHD aren't suited for fundraising. In fact, I think many traits associated with ADHD can make someone an exceptional fundraiser. The ability to focus in intense bursts, creatively solve problems and think strategically can be an incredible foundation for this work. But if rejection hits particularly hard, it deserves some thought about how we navigate an inevitable part of the profession.

For some fundraisers with ADHD, rejection can send an already-busy inner dialogue into a tailspin.

What did I do wrong?

This is all my fault.

I should have seen this coming. 

Maybe I’m not cut out for this.

The list (and thoughts) go on. 

For fundraisers with ADHD, it’s worth paying particular attention to how that inner dialogue shapes the response to rejection. The key is learning how to feel it without being consumed by it.

For me, remembering that the funder is saying no to the proposal—not to me as a person or a professional—makes the sting a little more bearable. Reframing the issue as a mismatch between the funder and the organization removes some of the emotional weight and shifts it into data. Maybe the priorities weren’t aligned. Maybe the timing wasn’t right. Maybe another proposal was simply a better fit. Whatever the reason, there’s something to learn from it.

Was the opportunity as well-aligned as I thought? Is there feedback I can ask for? Is there anything I would approach differently next time?

This is much easier said than done, and it takes practice. Like any other skill, the more you practice it, the easier it becomes.

Hearing “no” is never fun, but with time, it can become more neutral. 

Every fundraiser has a trail of “no’s” in their professional history. It’s proof that we tried and kept trying even when it felt hard. The goal isn’t to stop feeling disappointed. It’s to not let one “no” stop you from chasing the next “yes.”